Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Life at Home: Part II
I have to say that since I have been home, it has been so hard to look at life positively. It is hard to look for meaning when there seems to be none. Nothing is working out and I feel like I am spinning my wheels. The song above is by Skillet. They are a band I have new found appreciation of. I have always listened to their music, but their music seems to be resonating with me at the moment, more now than ever. Lately I keep asking what my purpose is. I still don't know. Ya, ok Q&A 1 of the Westminster. But what does that mean? How do I deal with things? People always tell me to not take it personally, but what happens when I know it is? What happens when somebody does something, or doesn't do something for that matter, and it is a big, "You are not good enough for (fill in the blank)." Lately my loneliness has grown into despair. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am staring to realize that there may not be. Am I just a dead man walking? The song above explains more than my feeble words could. Good night. I pray for better tides in the morning.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Life at Home: You don't apprciate what you have until you lose it.
Well, I'm at home. I live in the Chicago area with my Dad. Through out my first week home, I have had a tough time adjusting.
I have been living on my own for a couple of years in Iowa. When I was in Iowa, I lived on my own, with financial help from my Dad when I didn't have work. I learned to fend for myself and have the freedom I wanted to have. Now that I am home, I don't have any of that. I have to pick up my brother at the whims of my mother, especially. I have spent most of my recent years away from home. As such, whenever I am home my friends, my family, and everyone else wants to spend time with me before I leave again. I am trying to spend most of my time studying or playing World of Tanks. (the online game that is sending me to Russia) I am trying to do as much as I can because, frankly, I miss school.
I miss having friends around me. There is no one around my home that is my age. All of the people I know and attempt to hang out with are younger than I am. To make matters worse, I am the only one that regularly attends church, and have very few things in common with them. It is hard because I cannot discuss anything of any intelligence with them. I am a people person. I love to talk and spend time with people. But, I do not have the spiritual or intellectual stimulation here, so I feel very lonely.
Loneliness has been hitting me hard these past couple of days. I am trying to straighten things out in my personal life. As the title indicates, I am realizing now, more then ever, what I have lost. I desire companionship, but I am not willing to lower my standards. I have studied and prayed and striven to find the right one, but alas, either I or the other party have managed to screw things up so bad that there is no hope of reconciliation. It is hard to be alone. Even God said that it is not good for man to be alone. So, in short, I am having a tough time with loneliness with family, friends, and personally. Praise the Lord for his adequacy when I am so inadequate.
I have been living on my own for a couple of years in Iowa. When I was in Iowa, I lived on my own, with financial help from my Dad when I didn't have work. I learned to fend for myself and have the freedom I wanted to have. Now that I am home, I don't have any of that. I have to pick up my brother at the whims of my mother, especially. I have spent most of my recent years away from home. As such, whenever I am home my friends, my family, and everyone else wants to spend time with me before I leave again. I am trying to spend most of my time studying or playing World of Tanks. (the online game that is sending me to Russia) I am trying to do as much as I can because, frankly, I miss school.
I miss having friends around me. There is no one around my home that is my age. All of the people I know and attempt to hang out with are younger than I am. To make matters worse, I am the only one that regularly attends church, and have very few things in common with them. It is hard because I cannot discuss anything of any intelligence with them. I am a people person. I love to talk and spend time with people. But, I do not have the spiritual or intellectual stimulation here, so I feel very lonely.
Loneliness has been hitting me hard these past couple of days. I am trying to straighten things out in my personal life. As the title indicates, I am realizing now, more then ever, what I have lost. I desire companionship, but I am not willing to lower my standards. I have studied and prayed and striven to find the right one, but alas, either I or the other party have managed to screw things up so bad that there is no hope of reconciliation. It is hard to be alone. Even God said that it is not good for man to be alone. So, in short, I am having a tough time with loneliness with family, friends, and personally. Praise the Lord for his adequacy when I am so inadequate.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Thoughts for the week: People as Religious Beings
Hi everyone!
Yes i know, it's a little early for this post, but i havn't gotten to Mid America Reformed Seminary's library yet to do my summer reading. ( I know, I'm slacking) But in my time of looking for a job and trying to figure out things for next school year, I have also been keeping in contact with people.
One such person is Connie. (Name has been changed to protect her identity) I met Connie over May Term when I was studying the Church of Scientology. She works in the Pasadena church, and has been sending me e-mails trying to pique my interest in Scientology. Today I received another e-mail asking if i had more questions and if I would like to join them for a meeting. (Which you have to pay for, by the way) My response was as follows:
Hi Connie,
I recently visited the Church of Scientology in LA on Sunset. I took a tour and learned many things that I was able to put into my presentation for school. However, I was able to read the material that I received and was slightly disturbed by the things said both in the material and in the book Dianetics. I was able to do thorough research and found many inconsistencies in your religion. Although you claim that your religion is able to be added on to any religion, it is simply incompatible and impossible to believe in both Scientology and another religion. I cannot be part of a religion that is so focused on self and ego. The reason bad things happen is not because of some bad memory in our heads, but because of our wills that are corrupted. We, as humans, change our minds so much that we run the risk of being inconsistent with ourselves. It is not our minds that need to be cleaned, it is our wills. For these reasons we must look outside ourselves for answer that is satisfactory enough to cover and eliminate all the issues of our lives. Bad things don't just happen to people, they are caused by people. It is for this reason that we need a savior. We don't need a pat on the back and a "It will be alright." Because it will not be alright. This is where the answer comes. The answer is simply put: Jesus. I am a Christian. I will always be a Christian, and our understanding is that we are not the solution, because we are not perfect. We all need one to make satisfaction for us. That is why Jesus came, to save those who need to be saved: us. I hope you will give this some thought and you have my e-mail address if you would like to keep in contact. My ear and mind are open if you have any concerns, and my humble advice is always free. Thank you for your time.
God Bless
This interaction I had with Connie brought something back to mind. We, as human beings, are religious at our core. But what does that mean? What does it mean that we are religious people?
Simply, it means that we must worship, or give priority to something in our lives. For many of us, that means following some type of religion. There is a god that gives meaning and purpose to our lives. But let's unpack that for a bit.
Religion is directly related to salvation in some way. There are three attitudes to it. Either you need it and can supply it, you need it and cannot supply it, or you don't need it and it doesn't matter. I would put Islam, Roman Catholic Christianity and Arminian Christianity in the first group. (That discussion will come at a later post.) I would put Reformed and Presbyterian Christianity in the second category. And in the third group I would put some type of self-help religions, like the New Age Movement of the 70's-90's, and I would also put Scientology in here. The Problem that I have with the 1st and 3rd categories is one that is crucial to the definition and understanding of evil in the world with respect to man.
Man is not some victim that needs to be saved from some force that makes us ill. Man becomes part of the problem that we call sin. Man is the creator of sin. Just as we are able to create good, we are just as able to create evil. As such, we cannot be trusted with our own salvation when the standard is to live a full life within the bounds of the law. I am a Christian and as such, the covenant, or agreement, was stipulated in the garden of Eden in Genesis, Later explained in the 10 commandments, and summarily fulfilled by Christ. The law, God's commands, were broken by us. They were broken by our ancestors Adam and Eve, and through their leadership, all of their posterity shares in their penalty.
Due to the problem of sin, we cannot be trusted with our own salvation.This is why it must come from outside ourselves. Too often, religions will tell their followers that they need to do something in order to be saved. Whether that is a choice that needs to be made, or an action that needs to be taken; it is all the same. That element of human involvement, the element that is dependent upon the human acting independently, changes the face of that religion from one that depends on the savior, to one that depends on the one being saved. The focus is shifted from the one who has done all the work, to the one who must tell God whether or not he is good enough in our own eyes. This is nothing short of using God as a 911 service. He only comes when you call, but is able and willing to fix the problem. But what about when you are not willing for God to clean up your mess? What about all those times you sin and you don't even realize it? What about not living up to his standard?
This is why we need a savior that is not dependent upon our feeling like we need to be saved. We need a God who loves us so much that while we are dead in sin and rejecting him, he loves us and will care for us. This does not mean that everyone will get to heaven, but means that God will work in the hearts of those he has chosen to save so that we will respond. This follows from the statement of Christ that he will protect all those that the father has given to him. It is the Father who chooses and earlier in the same passage, it says that that the Father draws those whom he has given to the Son and calls to himself. The hypothetical questions do not apply here. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. It's like saying, "What if the sun turned blue?" Sorry, it doesn't happen, and will never happen. "What if?" questions cause nothing but confusion. Praise the Lord for his kindness that he gives to us daily.
Yes i know, it's a little early for this post, but i havn't gotten to Mid America Reformed Seminary's library yet to do my summer reading. ( I know, I'm slacking) But in my time of looking for a job and trying to figure out things for next school year, I have also been keeping in contact with people.
One such person is Connie. (Name has been changed to protect her identity) I met Connie over May Term when I was studying the Church of Scientology. She works in the Pasadena church, and has been sending me e-mails trying to pique my interest in Scientology. Today I received another e-mail asking if i had more questions and if I would like to join them for a meeting. (Which you have to pay for, by the way) My response was as follows:
Hi Connie,
I recently visited the Church of Scientology in LA on Sunset. I took a tour and learned many things that I was able to put into my presentation for school. However, I was able to read the material that I received and was slightly disturbed by the things said both in the material and in the book Dianetics. I was able to do thorough research and found many inconsistencies in your religion. Although you claim that your religion is able to be added on to any religion, it is simply incompatible and impossible to believe in both Scientology and another religion. I cannot be part of a religion that is so focused on self and ego. The reason bad things happen is not because of some bad memory in our heads, but because of our wills that are corrupted. We, as humans, change our minds so much that we run the risk of being inconsistent with ourselves. It is not our minds that need to be cleaned, it is our wills. For these reasons we must look outside ourselves for answer that is satisfactory enough to cover and eliminate all the issues of our lives. Bad things don't just happen to people, they are caused by people. It is for this reason that we need a savior. We don't need a pat on the back and a "It will be alright." Because it will not be alright. This is where the answer comes. The answer is simply put: Jesus. I am a Christian. I will always be a Christian, and our understanding is that we are not the solution, because we are not perfect. We all need one to make satisfaction for us. That is why Jesus came, to save those who need to be saved: us. I hope you will give this some thought and you have my e-mail address if you would like to keep in contact. My ear and mind are open if you have any concerns, and my humble advice is always free. Thank you for your time.
God Bless
This interaction I had with Connie brought something back to mind. We, as human beings, are religious at our core. But what does that mean? What does it mean that we are religious people?
Simply, it means that we must worship, or give priority to something in our lives. For many of us, that means following some type of religion. There is a god that gives meaning and purpose to our lives. But let's unpack that for a bit.
Religion is directly related to salvation in some way. There are three attitudes to it. Either you need it and can supply it, you need it and cannot supply it, or you don't need it and it doesn't matter. I would put Islam, Roman Catholic Christianity and Arminian Christianity in the first group. (That discussion will come at a later post.) I would put Reformed and Presbyterian Christianity in the second category. And in the third group I would put some type of self-help religions, like the New Age Movement of the 70's-90's, and I would also put Scientology in here. The Problem that I have with the 1st and 3rd categories is one that is crucial to the definition and understanding of evil in the world with respect to man.
Man is not some victim that needs to be saved from some force that makes us ill. Man becomes part of the problem that we call sin. Man is the creator of sin. Just as we are able to create good, we are just as able to create evil. As such, we cannot be trusted with our own salvation when the standard is to live a full life within the bounds of the law. I am a Christian and as such, the covenant, or agreement, was stipulated in the garden of Eden in Genesis, Later explained in the 10 commandments, and summarily fulfilled by Christ. The law, God's commands, were broken by us. They were broken by our ancestors Adam and Eve, and through their leadership, all of their posterity shares in their penalty.
Due to the problem of sin, we cannot be trusted with our own salvation.This is why it must come from outside ourselves. Too often, religions will tell their followers that they need to do something in order to be saved. Whether that is a choice that needs to be made, or an action that needs to be taken; it is all the same. That element of human involvement, the element that is dependent upon the human acting independently, changes the face of that religion from one that depends on the savior, to one that depends on the one being saved. The focus is shifted from the one who has done all the work, to the one who must tell God whether or not he is good enough in our own eyes. This is nothing short of using God as a 911 service. He only comes when you call, but is able and willing to fix the problem. But what about when you are not willing for God to clean up your mess? What about all those times you sin and you don't even realize it? What about not living up to his standard?
This is why we need a savior that is not dependent upon our feeling like we need to be saved. We need a God who loves us so much that while we are dead in sin and rejecting him, he loves us and will care for us. This does not mean that everyone will get to heaven, but means that God will work in the hearts of those he has chosen to save so that we will respond. This follows from the statement of Christ that he will protect all those that the father has given to him. It is the Father who chooses and earlier in the same passage, it says that that the Father draws those whom he has given to the Son and calls to himself. The hypothetical questions do not apply here. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work that way. It's like saying, "What if the sun turned blue?" Sorry, it doesn't happen, and will never happen. "What if?" questions cause nothing but confusion. Praise the Lord for his kindness that he gives to us daily.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
My Junior/6th year of College (By the Numbers)
Hi Everyone!
Sorry for the lack of posting I am very busy even though I have started summer "break." I swear school is a break from real life in so many ways. I am currently working on getting ahead on my school work for next year. I will have my two most challenging classes of Capstone and Tutorial this coming year, and i am determined to be prepared for them. I will be reading all the books for tutorial and most of my books for Capstone. ( yes, it is a long list) I will be doing a lot of writing, but I hope to post more thoughts and the like more often than I have been doing.
So, I thought I would lead you through this past school year "By the Numbers." It's a cool little thing that I have seen in magazines and newspapers, and thought it would be interesting to see what had popped up over the past year.
1: The number of romantically inclined relationships I had. ( Also, sadly, the number I lost.)
2: the number of Plays I have been in this year
3: The number of groups that I have helped to start on my college's campus. (Vocal 4titude, Laudate, Mock Swordfighting club); also happens to be the number of Good, Godly male friends that graduated this year
4: the number of trips I made to Downtown LA during May Term, also the number of sports I participated in on campus (Volleyball, Soccer, Basketball, Ultimate Frisbee)
5: the number of single guys that, strangely, remained constant throughout the year
6: the average hours of sleep I received per night while attending school
10: The number of people in the 2011 Graduating class at my school
15: the number of guys that lived on campus this year
44: the number of women that lived on campus this year
60: the number of credit hours that transferred to my new school
67: the number of new friends I made at School
Sorry for the lack of posting I am very busy even though I have started summer "break." I swear school is a break from real life in so many ways. I am currently working on getting ahead on my school work for next year. I will have my two most challenging classes of Capstone and Tutorial this coming year, and i am determined to be prepared for them. I will be reading all the books for tutorial and most of my books for Capstone. ( yes, it is a long list) I will be doing a lot of writing, but I hope to post more thoughts and the like more often than I have been doing.
So, I thought I would lead you through this past school year "By the Numbers." It's a cool little thing that I have seen in magazines and newspapers, and thought it would be interesting to see what had popped up over the past year.
1: The number of romantically inclined relationships I had. ( Also, sadly, the number I lost.)
2: the number of Plays I have been in this year
3: The number of groups that I have helped to start on my college's campus. (Vocal 4titude, Laudate, Mock Swordfighting club); also happens to be the number of Good, Godly male friends that graduated this year
4: the number of trips I made to Downtown LA during May Term, also the number of sports I participated in on campus (Volleyball, Soccer, Basketball, Ultimate Frisbee)
5: the number of single guys that, strangely, remained constant throughout the year
6: the average hours of sleep I received per night while attending school
10: The number of people in the 2011 Graduating class at my school
15: the number of guys that lived on campus this year
44: the number of women that lived on campus this year
60: the number of credit hours that transferred to my new school
67: the number of new friends I made at School
Thursday, May 19, 2011
taking account of what I can see this past semester
It is now the end of the semester. I am a college senior for the second time. I currently have a very long reading list that I hope to accomplish over the summer. I hope to use most of this reading in my final project at college called capstone. Think of it like a dissertation. I will be treating it like such and be putting as much effort in it as possible. Now, I am in this ring of Fire called May Term where we regularly have over 100 pages of reading a day. Well, back to work!
Happy Easter and God Bless.
Happy Easter and God Bless.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Doors to the Soul and windows to the mind
As I am writing this, I am at a poetry reading at my college. It is so funny but also amazing to see what comes out of the minds of the people here. You might ask if I am reading something tonight. The answer is, no. I am not going to read any of my poetry tonight. Yes, I do write poetry. No, I will not read or publish any of it. My poetry is very personal, and most of it is depressing. I write a lot about unrequited love. (It seems to be a theme in my life.)
From the time I started writing, I would write a bit of poetry now and again. I have my moods in which I write, and most of them are pretty depressing. My greatest work, which is constantly being revised and will not be published until I die, if at all, is my take on Beauty and the Beast. The Beauty is seen through the eyes of everyone and is known for her kindness as well as physical appearance. The Beast is known to the social scene as the outcast, the loser, and very physically unattractive. However, the Beast is a regular guy who doesn't conform to what others want him to be. For this, he is looked upon as a Beast. Also, he sees himself as a Beast. He notices his flaws and many imperfections. He uses them as an excuse to stay hidden from the world.
But I have told you enough. I have written this in 4 books. Each one a change in time and movement through the sands of their lives. If you truly are interested, either comment or come talk to me. I enjoy both.
One more thing, for those of you wondering. Yes, my leg still hurts. I pinched a nerve in my hip and it is very painful whenever I put a decent amount of pressure on it. So please, don't worry about me, I'll heal in time. Just shoot me a smile till then. :)
TI
From the time I started writing, I would write a bit of poetry now and again. I have my moods in which I write, and most of them are pretty depressing. My greatest work, which is constantly being revised and will not be published until I die, if at all, is my take on Beauty and the Beast. The Beauty is seen through the eyes of everyone and is known for her kindness as well as physical appearance. The Beast is known to the social scene as the outcast, the loser, and very physically unattractive. However, the Beast is a regular guy who doesn't conform to what others want him to be. For this, he is looked upon as a Beast. Also, he sees himself as a Beast. He notices his flaws and many imperfections. He uses them as an excuse to stay hidden from the world.
But I have told you enough. I have written this in 4 books. Each one a change in time and movement through the sands of their lives. If you truly are interested, either comment or come talk to me. I enjoy both.
One more thing, for those of you wondering. Yes, my leg still hurts. I pinched a nerve in my hip and it is very painful whenever I put a decent amount of pressure on it. So please, don't worry about me, I'll heal in time. Just shoot me a smile till then. :)
TI
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Trials, stuggles, temptations and failure :(
This post i am devoting to something that is a problem to both myself and many people around the world: Depression. I'm not talking about having a bad day or just not having things happen the way you want them. I am talking about the actual problem/disease Depression. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago with Depression. Since then I have had an explanation for when things don't feel right.
However, this does not mitigate the situation. Knowing what the disease is and coming to terms with it are two entirely different things. I know what happens during depression, I am a licensed EMT and have been through the training. But it does not prepare you for the lifelong struggle.
This past week has probably been one of the most depressing since I have been in California. This month I have struggled and tried to become a leader on campus though running for Student Senate and applying for the RA position at school; in addition to other minor pursuits that I have put time and much effort into. I was not hired as the RA, I was not elected to the Student Senate, and everything in my personal life seems to be going awry. Yes, this week has thoroughly, and supremely sucked.
This past week and a half:
I learned that the girl I like probably has no feelings for me whatsoever, and is looking at a going out with a boy back home. (Strike one)
I applied for the RA position and did not get it. This one really hurt because of the time, effort and desire I had for this position. (Strike two)
And the kicker: This past week, I ran for Student Senate President. I lost the election. Here's the real problem that I had: my opponent didn't run a campaign. Other than the speeches that we were allowed to give after chapel last week, there was no effort on her behalf. I used every means available to generate support. She didn't do anything. Other than the fact that she is a girl running for office in a school that is 65% female and being incumbent, there is no other advantage she had over my campaign. This ticks me off because it truly reveals 2 things. 1. Student Senate/Council/symposium/etc. positions are nothing but popularity contests. and 2. The incumbent generally wins because the thought is not about pros and cons of the candidates, but the question becomes "Why should I take her out of office?" (Strike three)
These things, in addition to other insignificant things, have all compounded to the strongest bout of depression I have felt in a very, very long time. One of my favorite classes, a theology class, couldn't cheer me up. Now I am laying in bed in a dark room with excruciating pain in my right leg due to a nerve injury from playing golf yesterday and the pain and my mood have sapped my appetite. I hope i get out of this funk soon, but even then, hope is just as dangerous.
However, this does not mitigate the situation. Knowing what the disease is and coming to terms with it are two entirely different things. I know what happens during depression, I am a licensed EMT and have been through the training. But it does not prepare you for the lifelong struggle.
This past week has probably been one of the most depressing since I have been in California. This month I have struggled and tried to become a leader on campus though running for Student Senate and applying for the RA position at school; in addition to other minor pursuits that I have put time and much effort into. I was not hired as the RA, I was not elected to the Student Senate, and everything in my personal life seems to be going awry. Yes, this week has thoroughly, and supremely sucked.
This past week and a half:
I learned that the girl I like probably has no feelings for me whatsoever, and is looking at a going out with a boy back home. (Strike one)
I applied for the RA position and did not get it. This one really hurt because of the time, effort and desire I had for this position. (Strike two)
And the kicker: This past week, I ran for Student Senate President. I lost the election. Here's the real problem that I had: my opponent didn't run a campaign. Other than the speeches that we were allowed to give after chapel last week, there was no effort on her behalf. I used every means available to generate support. She didn't do anything. Other than the fact that she is a girl running for office in a school that is 65% female and being incumbent, there is no other advantage she had over my campaign. This ticks me off because it truly reveals 2 things. 1. Student Senate/Council/symposium/etc. positions are nothing but popularity contests. and 2. The incumbent generally wins because the thought is not about pros and cons of the candidates, but the question becomes "Why should I take her out of office?" (Strike three)
These things, in addition to other insignificant things, have all compounded to the strongest bout of depression I have felt in a very, very long time. One of my favorite classes, a theology class, couldn't cheer me up. Now I am laying in bed in a dark room with excruciating pain in my right leg due to a nerve injury from playing golf yesterday and the pain and my mood have sapped my appetite. I hope i get out of this funk soon, but even then, hope is just as dangerous.
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