I'm back again. It has again been one of those days. I'm feeling lonely, but that is not what I am here to talk about. What I am here to talk about is dreams. Yes, you heard me right dreams. Not "What does your future hold" kind of stuff. More like "what is floating in your head at night" kind of stuff.
Last night was a doozy for me. My dreams took me back about a year ago. I could see people's faces, hear their voices. It was like watching a movie. I wasn't in control of anything. I tried to change what I said, but it didn't work, I still remember that the words in my dream were the same that they were a year ago. For a guy that can't remember his right foot from his left some times, that is stinkin' impressive. But, without warning, something changed. In fact everything did. The person that I was speaking to was different, the words were unfamiliar to me, and the scenery totally changed. I didn't understand what was going on, to a certain extent I still don't.
Anyway, on to the music. Again with my wonderful capstone, which I promise My next post will include something on; my mind has been wondering on the topic of love and relationships. Especially those one that we think..."What was s/he thinking?" As such, this leads me to my two songs: "Misery" by Maroon 5 and a cover of "Wonderwall" by Straight No Chaser
Life has been busy lately. Let me catch you up on all of the fun that is currently happening in my life. And of course, a song or two. :)
So, I have been ridiculously tardy on this blogging thing. But I must confess, it is for a good reason, namely, school. I am a senior in college. At my college, that means you have to write a capstone paper. This paper is 25-30 pages of in depth work. Being a theology major, this means I have to pick a topic from the Bible and write on it. My topic: Intimacy. I am using the Song of Songs (one of the most controversial books of the Bible) and a little known theologian named Bernard of Clairvaux to support my point that God wants to have a close, personal relationship with us, and that should lead us to desire a close, personal relationship with both Him and the people around us. Basically, show love to the world. I have to walk very fine lines in this work and the stress is taking its toll on me in more ways than I can think of right now.
Talking about relationships sucks when you don't have one. And, well... i don't have one. Because of this I am starting to question things. Close things, personal things. Like, am I good enough to be with anyone? Am I adequate to even be in a relationship? I keep hearing the cliche phrases of "Well, you just haven't found the right one yet." or "God has someone for you. You just need to be patient." As comforting as that might sound, it is infuriating to hear. I want to be patient, but at the same time I don't want to be. Many times I have found myself crying for no other reason than the fact that I am so confused in my own life and in where I am going that I can only cry to relieve the stress that I am under. Many of my prayers lately have been filled with tears, and I feel like I am not getting answers, but more questions. My biggest question lately is why? Particularly, "Why do I feel this way?" I am tired, both mentally and emotionally. I cannot take another emotional beating. That is why i have not let my emotions out in front of anyone in the past couple of months. My creativity stopped flowing because I wanted to suppress my feelings. I cannot bear to put myself out in front of a person that I love and get beat down repeatedly.
But, I promised I would not put that out on here, so I will spare my emotional overflow for a more appropriate outlet. In short, sadly, this means I am lonely. And I am trying to decide which pain is better right now, loneliness, or alienation.
But anyway, I guess I need to figure that out and give it time. At least what little of it I have left. So, without further ado, Here are my songs for the post.
These songs have been stuck in my head for the last few weeks, and they are kind of the expression of what I am going through right now. I hope you enjoy. Here is Gavin DeGraw's "I'm Not Over You" and Colbie Caillat's "I Never Told You"
