2 songs, 1 picture, many sleepless nights

Hi

These past few months I have been doing some personal reflections.  Like much of the time last summer, I am not satisfied with where I am at.  I don't seem to be content.  I want to be, I genuinely want to be content.  I don't want to merely feel content, or seem content.  I want to be loved and be able to love in turn.  I want to sit down and know that my life is where I'm supposed to be.  So much has been tossed in the air since I have been on here last.  I have graduated from college, gone to Cambodia, and had everything back "home" flipped on it's head.  I don't feel like this place is home anymore.  My family is in a constant war, I feel put upon by my dad to be who I am not, I don't know if I will be attending seminary, our house is being taken away, and I have no job, no money, and no relationship.  I have 1 friend that lives by me and a couple acquaintances that I see from time to time.  I feel more alone than ever.  My dad's health is deteriorating, and I don't think he wants to do anything about it.

That is a short synopsis of what has happened in the last 3 months.  The only thing I am able to depend on is God.  He is with me, even when I cannot feel him.  I haven't been able to feel him for a while now.  My dreams have stopped, and the good things in my life seem to melt away without Him.  I have replaced him, forgotten him, and passed Him off as fad.  Yet, God is the only thing that has been consistent in my life.  I am tired.  I have hit a point where I am tired in life.

As much as I love being in an area that I am familiar with, this does not feel like home.  I miss my home.  I felt more at home in college than I have ever felt.  Even with the occasional period of sadness and despair, Providence was a place where I felt loved.  My friends were there.  I especially miss my best friends there.  We have scattered to the farthest reaches of the country now.  One in Hawaii, another in Washington, another in Norther California, and my best friend is still in So. Cal.  When I reminisce, I can feel them here with me.  I can see their smiles, and hear their laughs.  I also remember the pain I have caused, and the tears that I have cried, for myself and for others. 

I don't know why these songs have reached out to me, but they have.  I feel horribly cliche for picking these songs, but, hey, I don't get to choose what speaks to me.  (Sort of...)

The first song is one that was, and is, played too much on the radio.  Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe."  The umpteen different parodies, and horrible renditions have not done justice to the song the way the original music video does.

She puts herself out there.  She is about to act...and then...disaster!  The guy she likes and has been trying to get the attention of isn't even on the table.  This one is a hilarious look at how good even horrible situations can be.  By all means, she should .... you know what....life isn't about the should and should nots.  She eventually acted, but did so on a bad assumption.  How many times have we all made bad assumptions?  Too many to count!!!  This overt look at a downright ridiculous situation is a perfect example of taking a small piece of life and blowing out to the stereotype.  If anything, this video teaches us to laugh at ourselves! By making the video like this, she is totally making fun of herself.  While the lyrics would have us believe that she is acting coy, or arrogant; the video really puts it out there as a comical view on how we all are.  We act like total idiots in front of other people and we come up short on the goal we were working for.  Instead of getting mad or frustrated, we need to learn to laugh. So, take some time today to smile and laugh.  Remember, everyone acts like this sometimes! :)

The second song is by Maroon 5.  No, it is not "Moves like Jagger."  Sorry to those that like that song, but it frankly...sucks.  Isn't Mick Jagger like 70 something now anyway?  Having a move like him is either breaking a hip, or eating prunes.   Instead, this song is very new and hasn't been played enough here to be annoying...yet.  "Payphone"  Commonly known as "If Happy Ever After Did Exist."

This is the Lyrics version that Maroon 5 put on YouTube.  This is so you can see the exact words.

WARNING!!!  THIS IS THE EXPLICIT VERSION!!
This is the Clean Version. (The clean version will get you the gist of it)
Also, here is the Artistic Version if you want it.(Also an explicit version)

I like this song, except for the rap by Wiz Khalifa.  The rap turns it into a piece of arrogance that contradicts what was being said in the rest of the song.  The part that is done my Maroon 5 is done so well that you can hear the anguish and despair that turns to anger every so often and then subsides into what he wishes would have happened.  This sadness is something that I know.  I still deal with the scars of past relationships.  The things that I wished, hoped, and prayed for never did happen.  But my plans are not the be all and end all of the world.  I know that God has a better plan for me, even if it isn't the one I wanted.  In this line of thought...

Here is another picture from the amazingly talented  Rob Castro!  This one is titled "My Blue World"

I love this picture!  This one has a special value to me, but because I believe in the personal interpretation of art I want to know what you think of it.  Please leave a comment.

Thanks!

New Feature and Why I am not posting as much as I should.

Hola!

So, as promised I will talk about what the heck a capstone is, why I am doing it, and what mine is about.  But first, I have some very exiting news.

One of my friends from the church I attend while at college is a phenomenal artist.  His medium is photography and he has some excellent pictures that he has allowed me to post on here for you.  So, every week, in addition to my Song of the Week, I will be posting a Picture of the Week from my friend Rob Castro.  If you like his work and want to check out more of it, he has a blog filled his photos that you can access Here. He has some really good photos and seeing them everyday makes me appreciative for people like him that can do such amazing art.

His first work that I will display is "Candy Orange Kind of Love"  I love the hues and the softness of this photo.  I am into the meaning of the color and meaning of certain types of flowers, and this photo brings that right out.  This Orange Rose is a symbol of passion, enthusiasm, and desire.  The Rose signifies a special relationship between the giver and the recipient.  As such, this photo is a great piece of work capturing the soft desire of a particular person.  Of course, this is my interpretation, and I'm sure Rob has another, but you should really go check out his other work. Just click on the link above.

Now, onto what a capstone is, and the rest of the story.  I am a senior in college, and at my particular school, they have what is called a capstone project.  You are to write a paper on a topic of your choosing, using all of the skills you have gained while at school.  This paper for me is 25-30 pages of work.  My topic that I have decided on is a Practically-alligorical interpretation of the Song of Songs.  Now the Song of Songs gets a bad rap because many people view it as "the sex book"  and "how God wants your marriage to be."  But that is not how the book should be taken, It does have implications for our lives, but it is a picture of how God relates to His people.    This will be one of the toughest challenges I have taken on yet.  I will let you know how it comes out in 2 weeks.  But yes, this is has my mind on love and relationships.  And so, with a plethora of songs on this topic, Here is the Song of The Week!

Here is a song that is sung by a powerful voice.  Yes, I am sorry. I like this song from Adele.  It is her single "I Set Fire to the Rain."  This song gives a powerful picture of manipulation in a relationship, and how it fights against the draw of attraction.  I will discuss this later when I have time, so check back after this week when my capstone is done.

The Misery of Dreams

Howdy all!

I'm back again.  It has again been one of those days.  I'm feeling lonely, but that is not what I am here to talk about.  What I am here to talk about is dreams.  Yes, you heard me right dreams.  Not "What does your future hold" kind of stuff.  More like "what is floating in your head at night" kind of stuff. 

Last night was a doozy for me.  My dreams took me back about a year ago.  I could see people's faces, hear their voices.  It was like watching a movie.  I wasn't in control of anything.  I tried to change what I said, but it didn't work, I still remember that the words in my dream were the same that they were a year ago.  For a guy that can't remember his right foot from his left some times, that is stinkin' impressive.  But, without warning, something changed.  In fact everything did.  The person that I was speaking to was different, the words were unfamiliar to me, and the scenery totally changed. I didn't understand what was going on, to a certain extent I still don't.  

Anyway, on to the music.  Again with my wonderful capstone, which I promise My next post will include something on; my mind has been wondering on the topic of love and relationships.  Especially those one that we think..."What was s/he thinking?"  As such, this leads me to my two songs: "Misery" by Maroon 5 and a cover of "Wonderwall" by Straight No Chaser

Enjoy
TI

Happy Hectic New Year!

Hi everyone,

Life has been busy lately.  Let me catch you up on all of the fun that is currently happening in my life.  And of course, a song or two. :)

So, I have been ridiculously tardy on this blogging thing.  But I must confess, it is for a good reason, namely, school.  I am a senior in college.  At my college, that means you have to write a capstone paper.  This paper is 25-30 pages of in depth work.  Being a theology major, this means I have to pick a topic from the Bible and write on it.  My topic: Intimacy.  I am using the Song of Songs (one of the most controversial books of the Bible) and a little known theologian named Bernard of Clairvaux to support my point that God wants to have a close, personal relationship with us, and that should lead us to desire a close, personal relationship with both Him and the people around us.  Basically, show love to the world.  I have to walk very fine lines in this work and the stress is taking its toll on me in more ways than I can think of right now.

Talking about relationships sucks when you don't have one.  And, well... i don't have one.  Because of this I am starting to question things. Close things, personal things.  Like, am I good enough to be with anyone?  Am I adequate to even be in a relationship?  I keep hearing the cliche phrases of "Well, you just haven't found the right one yet." or "God has someone for you.  You just need to be patient."  As comforting as that might sound, it is infuriating to hear.  I want to be patient, but at the same time I don't want to be.  Many times I have found myself crying for no other reason than the fact that I am so confused in my own life and in where I am going that I can only cry to relieve the stress that I am under.  Many of my prayers lately have been filled with tears, and I feel like I am not getting answers, but more questions.  My biggest question lately is why?  Particularly, "Why do I feel this way?"  I am tired, both mentally and emotionally.  I cannot take another emotional beating.  That is why i have not let my emotions out in front of anyone in the past couple of months.  My creativity stopped flowing because I wanted to suppress my feelings.  I cannot bear to put myself out in front of a person that I love and get beat down repeatedly. 

But, I promised I would not put that out on here, so I will spare my emotional overflow for a more appropriate outlet.  In short, sadly, this  means I am lonely. And I am trying to decide which pain is better right now, loneliness, or alienation.

But anyway, I guess I need to figure that out and give it time. At least what little of it I have left.  So, without further ado, Here are my songs for the post.

These songs have been stuck in my head for the last few weeks, and they are kind of the expression of what I am going through right now.  I hope you enjoy.  Here is Gavin DeGraw's "I'm Not Over You" and Colbie Caillat's "I Never Told You"