These past few months I have been doing some personal reflections. Like much of the time last summer, I am not satisfied with where I am at. I don't seem to be content. I want to be, I genuinely want to be content. I don't want to merely feel content, or seem content. I want to be loved and be able to love in turn. I want to sit down and know that my life is where I'm supposed to be. So much has been tossed in the air since I have been on here last. I have graduated from college, gone to Cambodia, and had everything back "home" flipped on it's head. I don't feel like this place is home anymore. My family is in a constant war, I feel put upon by my dad to be who I am not, I don't know if I will be attending seminary, our house is being taken away, and I have no job, no money, and no relationship. I have 1 friend that lives by me and a couple acquaintances that I see from time to time. I feel more alone than ever. My dad's health is deteriorating, and I don't think he wants to do anything about it.
That is a short synopsis of what has happened in the last 3 months. The only thing I am able to depend on is God. He is with me, even when I cannot feel him. I haven't been able to feel him for a while now. My dreams have stopped, and the good things in my life seem to melt away without Him. I have replaced him, forgotten him, and passed Him off as fad. Yet, God is the only thing that has been consistent in my life. I am tired. I have hit a point where I am tired in life.
As much as I love being in an area that I am familiar with, this does not feel like home. I miss my home. I felt more at home in college than I have ever felt. Even with the occasional period of sadness and despair, Providence was a place where I felt loved. My friends were there. I especially miss my best friends there. We have scattered to the farthest reaches of the country now. One in Hawaii, another in Washington, another in Norther California, and my best friend is still in So. Cal. When I reminisce, I can feel them here with me. I can see their smiles, and hear their laughs. I also remember the pain I have caused, and the tears that I have cried, for myself and for others.
I don't know why these songs have reached out to me, but they have. I feel horribly cliche for picking these songs, but, hey, I don't get to choose what speaks to me. (Sort of...)
The first song is one that was, and is, played too much on the radio. Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." The umpteen different parodies, and horrible renditions have not done justice to the song the way the original music video does.
She puts herself out there. She is about to act...and then...disaster! The guy she likes and has been trying to get the attention of isn't even on the table. This one is a hilarious look at how good even horrible situations can be. By all means, she should .... you know what....life isn't about the should and should nots. She eventually acted, but did so on a bad assumption. How many times have we all made bad assumptions? Too many to count!!! This overt look at a downright ridiculous situation is a perfect example of taking a small piece of life and blowing out to the stereotype. If anything, this video teaches us to laugh at ourselves! By making the video like this, she is totally making fun of herself. While the lyrics would have us believe that she is acting coy, or arrogant; the video really puts it out there as a comical view on how we all are. We act like total idiots in front of other people and we come up short on the goal we were working for. Instead of getting mad or frustrated, we need to learn to laugh. So, take some time today to smile and laugh. Remember, everyone acts like this sometimes! :)
The second song is by Maroon 5. No, it is not "Moves like Jagger." Sorry to those that like that song, but it frankly...sucks. Isn't Mick Jagger like 70 something now anyway? Having a move like him is either breaking a hip, or eating prunes. Instead, this song is very new and hasn't been played enough here to be annoying...yet. "Payphone" Commonly known as "If Happy Ever After Did Exist."
This is the Lyrics version that Maroon 5 put on YouTube. This is so you can see the exact words.
WARNING!!! THIS IS THE EXPLICIT VERSION!!
This is the Clean Version. (The clean version will get you the gist of it)
Also, here is the Artistic Version if you want it.(Also an explicit version)
I like this song, except for the rap by Wiz Khalifa. The rap turns it into a piece of arrogance that contradicts what was being said in the rest of the song. The part that is done my Maroon 5 is done so well that you can hear the anguish and despair that turns to anger every so often and then subsides into what he wishes would have happened. This sadness is something that I know. I still deal with the scars of past relationships. The things that I wished, hoped, and prayed for never did happen. But my plans are not the be all and end all of the world. I know that God has a better plan for me, even if it isn't the one I wanted. In this line of thought...
Here is another picture from the amazingly talented Rob Castro! This one is titled "My Blue World"
I love this picture! This one has a special value to me, but because I believe in the personal interpretation of art I want to know what you think of it. Please leave a comment.
Thanks!
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