Thousands of apologies go out to my readers. I have been dealing with a lot of personal stuff and I needed a break. I have been dealing with two main issues: school and love.
The first issue is just a matter of money. I have none and need a lot for school. Thanks to this wonderful thing called May Term, I was not able to get a job this summer. Therefore, I need to try and find a way to get some funds or I may not graduate and be a semester from graduating for the second time. I am trying to find a loan that I am able to get. But enough about that, I hate money.
UPDATE: The money issue is taken care of! Praise the Lord who provides in his timing!
I am a self-labeled hopeless romantic. I have wished for love for so many years, and been disappointed so many times. I have had friends tell me time and time again that I need to trust in God and his love. And while this has been going on, I tell my friends "yes, I get it" but in the back of my mind think "It is not what I want." I am sick of being behind a mask when it comes to my personal life. I am so scared to be rejected, it is hard to be my boring self. I am not brave, I am not skilled, and I am not intelligent. When I can't stand something, I send it into oblivion usually using C4. Therefore, It is time to C4 my mask collection. I am not who I say I am. I am not who I think I am. I love talking theology. I love thinking theology. But I hate practicing it. Every convicting word that I write tonight rips another hole in a rotting, festering heart. I have had to become jaded, even heartless to the point that I do not feel anything. But that is not true. I feel pain. I feel anguish. In fact, I feel it so much that I am well acquainted with it. I feed on sorrow and drink my fill with tears. Sadness seems to be the only thing I can feel. I can put a smile on my face and pretend that everything will be okay. But I know it will not. The truth is, I am afraid. I am afraid to be loved.
Love is a foreign concept to me. My father's side of the family is known for incessantly picking on one another. They would tease each other to the point of tears. This, sadly, has passed into my family. I used to be the one that was teasing, but now see no point to it and become the object of ridicule. I have found it easy to be the martyr and take the pain, thinking that if I deal with it, no one else will have to. It is easy for me to play the martyr, it is my natural state. I know pity, but is pity part of love? God takes pity on us and extends his love. Do we as humans do the same? How does this work? People say that love is the warm fussy feeling that they get in their stomach. But what happens when the feeling is gone? Love does not fade, does it? When God said he has loved us, it is always coupled with some kind of action. But this action is not what we call "making love." It is completely different. It is a decision. It is a decision that is coupled with action of protection and provision. To put it simply, Love is a deep, shown commitment. But is this what love entails? But it is a two way street, is it not? Can you show love, and call it love, without the reciprocation?
The short answer is yes. This is what I call "broken heart syndrome." I have, twice in my life, committed myself to a woman who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. However, both times, I found that I was mistaken in either my decision or my actions and it lead to the destruction of the relationship. The love that was given, was not given back, or not taken with understanding. The reason why this is a syndrome is because the person that this happens to, in this example me, begins to believe that their lot in life is to be empty and alone. Thus, a hopeless romantic. The delusions of grandeur turn into a nightmare of my own design. I can't help but screw up because I don't know what to do. Hopelessness becomes the focus, instead of God.
I now understand Paul's thorn in the flesh. Do not pity me. And I know that there will be some that will say, "He is just playing the martyr card again." I assure you, I am not writing this to do anything to you. You have been on a little journey in my thoughts. But I can tell you, this is not the extent of my thoughts. I have been thinking about this for the past two weeks. As this school year comes up, I do not know what God has in store for me, but I do know that he will teach me something major this year. I am going to learn to trust in his sufficiency. I have made some progress, but I am far from where I need to be. I pray God shows me what love really is. Humility included.
With Prayers and Many Tears,
TI
No comments:
Post a Comment